Attraction is Not a Choice

I recently had lunch with a friend, and she related how she had broken up with her boyfriend. She's a very intelligent girl and like anybody fresh from a break-up, she feels confused and somewhat betrayed. The reasons for the break-up didn't seem logical to her.

The thing is that intelligence, logic and rationality have NOTHING to do with attraction and maintaining relationships. Both men and women do stupid things when they are possessed by emotions such as passion, sexual tension and longing. There is a widely quoted phrase among PUA circles and that is this:

"Attraction is not a choice."

You can't help who you're attracted to and when you're attracted to someone, no matter how intelligently and rationally you behave and live your life. This is the reason why some women are attracted to bad boys or make bad choices with regards to their love life. This is why a man risks everything he's earned, including his marriage and his financial assets, to have an affair.

A perfect example of this is to ask an "open-minded," "liberal" woman if she would date or marry a short guy, and she will tell you, "No." Attraction to height is hard-wired into our genes and there is no getting around that. Another example would be to ask an "open-minded" male if he would date someone ugly, and he'll tell you "No" as well.

I took a lot of Asian American Studies courses, so I knew a lot of Asian American professors. With the exception of one couple, every Asian American professor I knew (male and female) that was attached was married to a Caucasian spouse. We're not talking about professors who masquerade as Asian American Studies professors and teach Amy Tan. We're talking about people who contributed to seminal Asian American works, like "The Big Aiiieeee!" We're talking about hardcore fighters for The Cause.

You would figure proponents for Asian American respect and causes would have married Asian American spouses, but like I said: attraction is not a choice. To deny that you feel attraction towards someone, even if it is based on bias and irrationality, is stupid. Acknowledge your desires, acknowledge your bias, because we all have them.